Relationships, True Love & Commitment Phobia

Relationships are hard... and ADHD can bring a few extra challenges.

I’m 35. Never been married. No kids. It sounds bad on paper, if you go by those normal ‘success’ measures.

Side note - don’t ever go by those normal success measures. They’re a big, fat lie. Do what you love, with the people you love, and do those things with all of your heart. Because life is short and precious, and trying to live up to someone else’s definition of success will only make you sad.

Thankfully, almost everyone I’ve ever dated has been a Class-A Babe. Most of them have been so nice, that I’m still friends with them now. But that doesn’t mean that I’ve been particularly good at relationships.

I’m sure I’m not the only ADHD person who just loves love. It feels awesome - all that free dopamine that comes when you’re in the honeymoon bit.

I’m also sure I’m not the only one who gets incredibly bored, incredibly quickly. Throw in terrible emotional regulation and rejection sensitive dysphoria, and I’ve hardly been the model girlfriend over the years.

One ex-boyfriend (he’s one of those nice ones, so I forgive him) once called me ‘Mercurial’. I had to Google it to find out it’s not a complement.

But just over four years ago, I met Ash, and everything changed.

• On one of our first dates, we went sky diving.

• After six weeks, we went on a two week surfing trip.

• For my first birthday together (eight weeks into dating), he surprised me with a three day trip into the Atlas Mountains to climb the highest mountain in North Africa.

Thankfully, we were already in North Africa, so it wasn’t too rogue.

Not so great - I’d only packed for a beach break and had to spend my birthday morning running all over town trying to find appropriate clothes to climb a mountain that can drop as low as -20 at the summit.

What I’m trying to say, is that I’ve found my person.

And it’s not just that he’s awesome. It’s that I’ve been doing.the.work on myself for years now, and I think I’m a much more awesome person than I was, too.

This week, we travelled to Crete to attend the ridiculously beautiful wedding of two incredible people.

It’s been a week surrounded by love. It’s been a week of seeing some friends for the first time since the pandemic, reminiscing, partying and celebrating the happiness of the most beautiful couple in the world.

It’s got me right in the feels, and reminded me, once again, how grateful I am for having my adventurous boyfriend at my side, as I navigate life.

The best ADHD advice I’ll ever give - if you do want a partner, find one who ‘does one final check’ of hotel room before you leave. As he scrambled under my side of the bed this morning to retrieve all my lost / forgotten items, my little heart felt all sorts of good vibes for that man.

Not only has the wedding made me all misty-eyed, but there’s a big news announcement about our relationship.

We’ve just bought our first home together, and picked up the keys the day we landed back in Italy after the wedding.

Now that is commitment. And you know what? I thought I’d be nervous. I thought I’d be scared…

…And I’m both. I’m terrified.

But not because it’s with Ash, not because it’s the most adult-relationship thing I’ve ever done.

It’s because it’s a huge renovation project on an Italian mountain. The roof has holes and there’s no heating. We have limited knowledge of how to renovate, and even less money to do so.

So... we've got some big, exciting news.

Yet, with his love of a spreadsheet and my ruthless determination, I think we’re gonna be OK.

And spending so much time with friends last week has reminded me that we also have a crew of amazing people in our life, who I’ll be bribing to Italy with wine & pizza to help us get the project going.

So take this as your reminder to hold your people close, tell them you love them often & freely, and celebrate love with the wild abandon of ADHD mind, that can never do things by halves.

Jump!