Finding strength in the chaos, & learning to like yourself, just the way you are...
...No Mr. Darcy needed, but a super cheerleader during times of crisis helps.
Surrounded by bags, boxes and chaos, I’m writing in the midst of a house move. It’s not going to plan. Blame Italian bureaucracy, or the ‘piano piano’ culture*, but it seems unlikely these boxes will be unloaded in the house we’re supposed to be buying on the 4th August (yes, this 4th August, the one that’s happening in five days’ time). To any non-Italian readers (I imagine all of you), this shouldn’t be a big deal.
So there’s a couple of days hold up on the paperwork? No problem, just exchange the weekend after…
…Except in Italy, nothing happens in August, and very little happens in September, too. Niente, Nada. If we don’t get the keys to our house this week, we don’t get them until the start of October.
Did I mention the house has no heating system and a beautiful view, if you look through the gaping holes in the roof?
Did I mention it’s at an altitude as high as Ben Nevis?
October is not exactly the ideal time to move into this place.
Ash and I have handed in the notice on our apartment, we’ve ordered the removal van and prepared to go. But, hey, sometimes the universe slows you down.
So, we pivot. We might be technically homeless by Friday, but I’m feeling, strangely, oddly, incredibly chill.
And any of you who know me personally would have a hard time describing me as ‘chill’. You’d probably go so far as to say I’m the antithesis of chill.
There’s something really weird about ADHD, and I reckon my Anxiety Posse also resonate. I fall to pieces at the little things, but am master zen-goddess during a crisis.
When I shattered my leg into 17 pieces, and wasn’t allowed to so much as touch my toe to the floor for 16 weeks, I was the picture of peace and tranquility. Yet if Ash and I have planned to get up at 8am and he doesn’t move until 8.02am, I go into meltdown.
I’m about to be homeless, so what? I have to speak on TV in front of tens of thousands of people, no big deal. But ask me to organise a train & flight back to England, and I’m a wreck.
In the last job interview I had, for area manager of the big, global travel company, they asked why I was right for the job.
In typical ADHD style, I answered honestly.
‘If you’re looking for someone who hands in perfect paperwork and has well organised spreadsheets, I’m not the right person for the job. But if you need someone who can deal with 1000 screaming holidays guests, a snowstorm that’s grounded 17 planes and a dozen angry, Italian coach drivers who want to get home to their families for Christmas, I’m your girl’
And as I sit, surrounded by a lifetime’s accumulation of stuff, listening back to the podcast I recorded this week with the wonderful Personal Trainer, who got me through those four months with a broken leg, I realise that my traits, tendencies, my ADHD or whatever you want to call it, isn’t all bad.
There’s sometimes strength in the dodgy neurology. And, more than that, being open publicly about my ADHD has allowed me to have some of the most affirming conversations of my life, with people who remind me of that when I’m unable to see it myself.
Listening back to the conversation with my Personal Trainer, Matt Saxon, is giving me all the cheerleading, positive, good vibes I need to remember ‘I am OK’, I’m doing OK.
So, even if you’re just having a relaxing weekend, even if you’re not in the midst of a big, life crisis, I implore you to listen to this week’s episode. It’s a bit about ADHD, but it’s so much more than that. It’s about mental health, self-acceptance, career crises and depression. It’s about looking after your body and building the life you want. It’s about being kind to yourself, accepting that sometimes life is tough and remembering how wonderful you are through it all.
It’s an hour of positive, affirming, good vibes, beamed right into your ears, from the guy who helped me discover that it was possible to like myself, just the way I am.**
* Piano, piano translates to ‘slowly, slowly’, but is most often utilised with a patronising hand gesture when you’re just asking people to do the shit they promised / are contracted / are paid to do.
** Yes, I’ve been watching Bridget Jones recently. Although I’d say Matt’s role in my life has been more Tom than Darcy
Who knows where I’ll be writing from next week, but wherever I am, hopefully I’ll be embracing the chaos!
Angie